The MiddleEarth Crier
by Jazzcat
Summary: Bringing you news from around Middle-Earth: Sports and more!


**FREE AGENT MARKET WIDE OPEN IN ITHILIEN**

_Team Captain Faramir struggles to sign players_

ITHILIEN, GONDOR - Apparently, there was a shortage of players for the Rangers of Ithilien due to the fairly recent siege of Osgiliath, and Captain Faramir was forced to put out an open call for tryouts to fill the many holes in his roster. Volunteers were few and far between, however, as most of the inhabitants of Middle-earth who were any good at hockey had already joined a team.

But Faramir's request did turn up three hopefuls. One was immediately turned away, for although her ability to spin lightning-fast webs over the other team's net was a major plus, it quickly became clear that it was physically impossible for Shelob to hold a hockey stick in any one of her limbs. It was also a bit difficult getting the massive spider in and out of the rink through the main doors.

Faramir had a little trouble choosing between the other two. One was the notorious Bill Ferny, who has a reputation throughout Middle-earth as being one of the meanest, nastiest, dirtiest players around. He immediately raised the team's bar for trash-talking and name-calling, and cost the team a mint in rare-but-expensive laundry soap by deliberately spilling orange Gatorade on anyone who retaliated.

Faramir put up with Ferny's bad towel-snapping habits as long as he could stand, but the Captain immediately crossed Bill's name off the list after the Man from Bree glued the side of the goalie's facemask to one of his armpads.

"But he was blocking my shots!" yelled a furious Ferny, fuming as he was forcefully escorted out of the arena by security.

The other candidate was also well known in the region, and the members of the coaching and training staff fell silent when he skated, or rather performed an odd series of frog-like leaps on all fours, onto the ice.

"He has an ill-favored look," said Faramir doubtfully, studying the creature up and down.

The Captain of Gondor was further concerned when Gollum cowered before Faramir and swore to serve "the Massster of the Rangersessss."

Smeagol had never played hockey before, but he proved to be a quick and eager learner, especially when the trainers promised that he could visit the Forbidden Pool after the games and catch all the fish he wanted. But Gollum, upon taking the ice for the first time, picked up the puck and turned it over and over in his bony hands.

"What is it, preciousss?" he asked. "Is it scrumptiously crunchable?"

Still, Faramir did not have any better options, so he decided to give Gollum a chance despite his checkered past and reluctantly appointed him a place on the roster.

But at his first game, a glowering Gollum kept the puck away from defenders and teammates alike, declaring over and over, "My precioussss" and "Mussstn't let them have it" with a green glint in his eye, in between the ever-present "Gollum, gollum!" The Rangers turned on him and tried to get at the puck, managing to poke it away from the disgruntled Storr and score the game's only goal late in the third period.

"They stole it from us," snarled Gollum angrily. "Sneaky little teammateses!"

Gollum immediately disappeared when the game was over. The puck also vanished without a trace.

"I don't know if this is going to work," said an extremely deflated Faramir, groaning and rubbing his forehead while his comments were frequently interrupted by the sound of crunching and "Fisssssh, nice fissssssh" coming from the locker room. Later Faramir was forced to let Smeagol go when he tried to feed one of his teammates to the freshly-embittered Shelob.

Someone mentioned the name of Shadowfax to Faramir, and Faramir, being in quite desperate straits, immediately put the great white horse on the team. It was the first time any horse had made it onto a hockey roster, and although there were several protests from representatives of the other teams in the league, the MEHA reported that the controversial move violated no known rules. Several Elf-wrights were called in to forge special skates for Shadowfax's hooves, and others strengthened the handle of the horse's hockey stick, which was designed to resist the everyday wear and tear of Shadowfax's teeth.

"He's got wonderful speed and stamina," declared a hopeful Faramir. "He can also deliver a pretty wicked kick."

In their next game against the Domland Caribou, played at the Rangers' home in Ithilien, a surprised Legolas was reported to have exclaimed upon arrival, "What is he doing out there? That is one of the Mearas, unless my eyes are cheated by some spell."

Samwise Gamgee jumped up and down in excitement.

"That means my pony Bill can play too!" he shouted.

This hope unfortunately had to be crushed by head coach Elrond, due to the fact that the 'Bou had plenty of players on their roster. Sam burst into tears.

Shadowfax was an instant sensation among the fans, for his long, flowing mane, gleaming white coat, exceptional hoofwork and unmatched style instantly captured the hearts of the breathless audience. Never had they seen hockey played with such powerful elegance and grace. They cheered the horse and chanted "Noro lim" all night.

Shadowfax proved to be a valuable addition to the Rangers, with one exception: He frequently allowed Gandalf to pass uncontested.

"He has been my friend through many dangers," said the wizard with a shrug.

There were also unconfirmed reports that a moth was seen flying from Gandalf to Shadowfax several times during the game. The MEHA has scheduled a meeting to discuss which regulations, if any, were violated by the moth, and what should be done with the winged insect.

"Technically, I don't know how you would punish a bug," commented the spokesman for the MEHA. "Right now, squishing is a last option."


End file.
